I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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