just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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