I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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