I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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