i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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