So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
