All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
