Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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