I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
