the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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