I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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