I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
