well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
