Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
