he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
