She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Randomize
