They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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