You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
