How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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