Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
