i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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