Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
