Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
