if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
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