If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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