Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
