I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
