i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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