Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
