worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
