Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I AM VODKA MAN
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
