i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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