I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
