Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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