True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize