It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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