eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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