I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
