Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
