So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just had sex on a roof
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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