Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
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