Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
