i just google imaged poop.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
