Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
