I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize