so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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