I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
