I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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