I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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