I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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