do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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