I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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