What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
