You're so nebulous sometimes
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize