I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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