I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
