This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
